The Instruction Manual For The Doctor
by RicardianScholar Clark-Weasley
Summary: Written by Amy Pond and Rory Williams. Clara discovers a little book written by the Doctor's last two companions. The Doctor is not pleased by it.


Clara was in the library.

It was a rare quiet day with the Doctor and she wanted to read a particular book she had read when she was a child and never been able to read again. The Doctor told her the TARDIS had every book imaginable, and she should just look. It was proving to be a difficult and tiring task.

And then she came across it.

A small blue note book with INSTRUCTION MANUAL TO THE DOCTOR written in black print and large lettering. Beneath it, in much smaller writing, was By Amy Pond and Rory Williams.

Curious, and quite desperate to know how to handle the Doctor's moods, she opened it and began to read…

_Dear Future Companion, _

_I am Amy Pond, _**and I'm Rory Williams, her husband. **_And we are writing this to give you some sort of instructions to take care of the Doctor. _**Because seriously, the guy needs ****someone**** to look after him or he might blow something up! **_Rory! He isn't that bad! _**Yes he is! **_All right, he is. _

_Okay, first thing first, the Doctor __always lies__! So no matter what the situation, life or death, whether he has eaten or not, if he's okay or not, just never believe what he says. _

**And give him a good punch for lying. **

_RORY! _

**What? Maybe this companion can do what we couldn't and condition him out of lying all the time!**

_We're not encouraging violence in some innocent person, and it won't work. How many times has the Doctor been hit now? _

**Oh fine…**

_Next thing! Rather important! The Doctor has peculiar food tastes. _**You're telling me. Really disgusting actually, worse than a pregnant woman. **_I'm ignoring you right now. Anyway the Doctor finds normal food 'boring' and definitely hates most fruit including apples and pears, especially pears don't feed him pears he will never let you live it down, anyway just feed him fish fingers and custard._

**Like I said – pregnant woman!**

_If he is being too naughty, threaten to withhold fish fingers and custard. _

**Works like a treat! And yes sometimes you have to be the parent to the thousand or so year old alien. **

_You might find the Doctor asleep on the floor, despite him pretending he never needs to sleep, _**which despite his so called superior physiology is merely impossible. Everyone needs sleep. So don't believe him when he claims he doesn't need to sleep! **_Just drape a blanket on him and pretend you never found it. He doesn't respond well to that sort of teasing. _**Therefore do not mention that he snores, drools a little, and talks very enthusiastically in his sleep. You will suddenly find yourself suspended mid-air in an alien strip club. **_I did tell you to drop it! _**You're were no help! You encouraged it! **_I wanted to see you do a strip tease and don't forget that money you earned brought us lots and lots of lovely cocktails. _**If you wanted to see me strip you only had to go to our bed- **

_Sorry, we got distracted. Now then! Where were we? Oh yes, teasing! Be careful to not tease him too much. He shuts down sometimes. _**Especially if you tease him about girls. He acts like a schoolboy when you tease him about girls. **

_Don't let him shut down. _**Because it is a nightmare to get him to open up to you again. **

_Don't let him have a fez. _**They look ridiculous, and he will NEVER part with it if he gets hold of one. Worst case scenario you might have to shoot it off his head. **_I'm so proud of our baby girl for doing that. _**So am I. So am I.**

_Never let him think a bow tie is cool. _**Because they're not. **

_When you question him about his past, don't let him distract you, don't give in, and don't waver. Otherwise you'll never know. _**Keep on the lookout, he is very good at distracting. I once asked if he had been married before and the next thing I know we had been to three different planets, freed a species of aliens from a tyrant, met C. S Lewis, and got terribly drunk. **

_Tease him! _**Didn't you just say not to? **_No, I said don't tease him too much and on certain subjects but really he needs to be teased because otherwise he will become arrogant and over confident. _**And we certainly don't won't that. **_He needs to be reminded that he is a bit of an idiot. _**Bit more than a bit. **

_If he calls the TARDIS sexy and pets her weirdly….just pretend you didn't notice. Otherwise it will get awkward. _**Really, really, REALLY awkward. Urgh…**

_Don't let him get emotional. Ever. _**Planets might blow up if he gets too emotional. **

_Assert rules, boundary rules, especially bedroom rules or otherwise he will invade every personal space imaginable. _**I still think we should have a lock on our door. **_Rory we've been through this –_ **HE KEEPS BREAKING THE BEDROOM RULE! **

_Let's move on! Don't worry too much if he is at Death's door, not only does he usually bounce back but he also has an ability to regenerate. _**We're still not entirely sure what regeneration is but from what we witnessed in our own child, long story don't ask, he changes appearance and personality. Just go with it. **

_Don't make stupid decisions. He hates that. _**But you might as well make no decisions at all sometimes because he finds everything stupid. **

_Don't meddle with time. He hates that as well. _**So no killing Hitler, or saving Jesus, or something silly like that. **

_Don't yell at him. He will ignore you, _**and you're likely to lose your voice shouting at him. **_Just get back at him with an action THEN he will take notice. _**Like punching him. **_RORY! _**He deserved it! **_I give up…_

_Sometimes you will need to convince him to allow second chances. _**Because sometimes he's a bit of a dick. **_Sometimes he needs to because he gets emotional and lose himself. _**Pretty much what I just said. **_No it wasn't. _**Yeah it was. **

_To cope it is best to study up on all sciences and history, otherwise you will not understand a third of what he is saying. _**But do not, for the love of God, do not spoil the whole 'bigger on the inside' thing he pouts if you show yourself to be too smart and therefore not let him brag. Big baby. **_He is a bit, isn't he? _

_Hold his hand. _**Or if you're a bloke and find that uncomfortable, pat him on the shoulder. **

_Never let him think he is alone. _**Because he gets so whiney and all 'I'm the Last of the Time Lords' when he's in that sort of mood. **

"Clara!" the Doctor shouted as he bounced into the library. Clara barely had time to hide the manual and unfortunately it was already too late as he snatched it from behind her and examined it. "What is this?" he asked curiously before he began to read it. "Oh for -" he muttered in a language that Clara didn't understand which left her to believe he was swearing very colourfully. "_I don't need a manual_!" he snapped. "Why does every single one of my companions try and do this? Do you know how many I destroyed? At least twenty!"

"You _destroy_ them?" Clara cried out, gobsmacked.

He should be bloody flattered! His companions care enough about him to write a set of guidelines for their successor. They wanted to make sure he was taken care of and loved by the new person, and he goes off and _bloody destroys them?!_

If it wasn't for the fact he was rather wonderful and saved the universe she would have said he didn't deserve any of those companions who took the time to write for him.

"I don't need looking after!" Clara disagreed. The arrogant and pompous Time Lord with suicidal tendencies and a reckless curiosity most certainly did need looking after. Otherwise the whole universe would be doomed. "Anyway, off to the incinerator, do you have anything to burn?"

"Err…no thank you," she mumbled.

"Good, good, that's what I like to hear," the Doctor said patronisingly, "I had a couple companions who enjoyed burning things a bit _too_ much. A couple from the sixties kept insisting on burning their underwear for reasons I have still failed to find out."

"Okay…." Clara murmured, "Why don't you go and get something to eat for the pair of us? I still have to look for that book."

"All right, I'll get us something fried, like chips, or eggs, or – no fish fingers!" he babbled happily as he left the library. "Yes fish fingers and custard for tea tonight. We deserve a treat!"

Once he left Clara reached for a pen and spare notebook laying around. Obviously, despite her dislike for Cara, the TARDIS did agree with her that the Doctor certainly needed looking after.

_**All right future Companion, **_

_**First thing first, don't let the Doctor see this or he WILL destroy it…. **_


End file.
